Archive for the ‘confusion’ Category

Blisss WEDS trick

[Achtung: This is work of fiction and handy work of burnt brain cells… my would-be-wife please don’t read it seriously.]
Marriage is very tricky” – I am not really good in counting… but I think its 9th time my friend (Married And Confused… MAC) mentioned this line in last 4mins… I just assumed that it is new wedding bliss…

Last November, I could really tell ‘marriages were in air’… as I attended lots of weddings, receptions and engagements… I felt as if ‘best deal’ sale was going on for marriages… yuppy… loads of free food 🙂

In (now married)Bhatta’s words… “You may deny or may be selective about accepting reality… but truth is ‘It’s the time’ 🙂“.
He is right… my family is taking marriage issue seriously… more than them my relatives wants to see my wedding… either they think it is first of its kind… or they want break from daily operas and look for new time pass…

But… am I ready for it??? In some sense (probably non-sense)… Yes, I am… of course I have nice job (though my company needs bailout every weekend to run projects), I lead quite stable life (though Saturday morning I need strong lemon soda to remind myself that I am not Katrina 🙂), I am responsible (shit… power cut.. didn’t I pay bills, again?), I am matured (just read this blog 🙂)

Me: “How did you decide to marry the girl whom you are married now?”
MAC: “Oh… when it happens… it just happens”
Me: “Did you say shit happens? Or plainly you meant… if anything has to go wrong… it will go wrong??”
MAC: “Noo… Noo….. Marriage is tricky, you know” [this line is still sounded like the one which you hear from dumb news reader… you don’t know if it is true but it is repeated all day]

Useless quote: I heard it from greater than greatest person that marriage is like buying mobile phone… once you get one, you always feel, if you waited some more time, you could have got latest one at much cheaper price” [may be this guy was hit badly by his wife after marriage… so my would-be-wifey… this is not my feeling… but just quoting it]

Do I fit in girl’s requirement??? So decided to ask my friend who coincidentally Born As Girl(BAG)
Me: “So…your parents must be searching groom for you?”
BAG: “Yes… they started long back… but even I need to decide who I should marry”
Me: “So you already got one… or have a requirement for that”
BAG: “I have requirements… He should be tall (giraffe make good husband???), dark (yes, Obama boys), handsome (it is subjective)… cool (I am), calm (depends), silent (while sleeping)…”
(If you combine all these traits all you can visualize is the 9 feet statue of Shivaji Maharaj standing in the circle :-))

Useless quote: I am not afraid of terrorist… I am already married 🙂 [Does this fellow who quoted this line wanted to spread fact that his wife is actually a BOMB :-)]

Even we guys will have requirements…
Me: “How did you decide to marry the girl with whom you are married now?”
MAC: “See… girl should be sensible, caring, less spending, and less talkative, less annoying… but we are grown-ups… so do we believe in these myths??? Noo…. Noo… so follow one standard rule, marry the girl who is good looking… you know it’s quite tricky:)”

Drastic changes… that is what I fear though I always tell ‘change is good’. So what can be those changes??? I have to get accustomed to more laws (mother-in-law, father-in-law, brother-in-law), I have to accept permitted non-changability (starting from hair style till job, I need Vito from my wifey), can’t flirt with her best friend (lose right of creativity), have to tolerate her cousins (apart from my already existing nosy cousins), learn to be patient (have to wait months till she goes to her parents house and I get chance to booze whole night 🙂

Me: “Do you feel the loss of free will?”
MAC: “noo…noo… not at all… free will prevails… but hers…”
Me: “I am sorry… so was it good as bachelor?”
MAC: “Earlier it was my PM who used to control my free will by giving me hell lot of work, it was my company HR who controlled my free will of dressing… but NOW my WIFE controls it… but see the positive side, someone inside my family exploiting my free-will not out siders:-)”

Like two sides of coin… every head has a tail…(whatever that means)
There are some positive things about marriage… I can go places (buy cooker in commercial street and to buy its gasket go to Jayanagar), I can become Neil Armstrong (will get chance to go honey-MOON), I can increase my list of people whom I can hate and use bad words (my cousin-in-laws included to the list now), will have more social life (though might lose few of my good old ever laughing friends as SHE will hate them for sure) but will get chance to know more girls (her friends)… so as per my calculation I will be knowing more girls after marriage than I know as bachelor)… I can be excused from late night work at office (do they make married guys work late night???… at least I never seen)

Me: “Our ancestors never got married…. But some-how evolution took drastic change and humans started marriages… at times we hate it, at times we love it… we take it lightly and yet we are serious about it…Right… bro??”
MAC: “That’s very well said… Marriage is very tricky, my boy”
Me: “I shouldn’t ask this… but I can’t control it anymore… Is marriage so magical that you actually call it magic trick?”
MAC: “Noo… noo…. my family TRICKED me to get married… otherwise, I was happy singing, dancing, shouting, drinking bachelor :-)”


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dreamZzzz unlimited

I woke up with bad headache… felt as if anu malik is trying his hands on hard metal. I closed my eyes for sometime… ‘sleep angel’ might have already decided to wake me up… anyway the daily pursuit of bread and jam has to be started… So reluctantly i gathered my ‘will’ and got up from bed…
As per routine collected the news paper from the door… and as usual I gave a glance on the opposite flat door with the anticipation of seeing that babe who lives in that house. And as usual disappointed with the ugly closed brown door….

While reading the crap things in news paper… my cell indicated of new SMS.
I thought, must be one of my friends who is traveling in company bus with mammoth reluctance to move his ass towards office and is spreading the bad Monday morning mood with some nonsense message. So I decided not to entertain stupidity of any sort at this hour…

But again i changed my decision and decided to check SMS… thinking that someone has sent a nice wish to me … wish me… for what??? it isn’t my ‘happy’ birthday… not anniversary (oh.. i am not married also)… so what is it that i am receiving at 7:20 in the morning…

I checked it… It was from unknown number…. and it started, “GM, Adi. I know its weird, i read ur mail n realized that i should give myself a chance to understand u. may be u r the one i am looking for, tanx for everything, ur help, ur patience to hear me. i want to meet u, take things further… it is too early but I L U… i liked everything about u… ur bike, ur stories, ur escapades, ur machi, ur totu, ur paddu, ur FIL, ur athani, ur moods, ur shayaris, ur blogs… ur GMAT, ur theories, ur laughter, ur jokes, ur ridiculous blush, ur milds, ur beers, ur stupid dressing sense… and ur affection for me… :-)”

Getting romantic message from unknown number is like winning 50 paisa in a lottery. May be it is some kind of joke… politically incorrect joke… or a technically incorrect one !!!!!!

I was reluctant to call back to that number… just don’t wanted to make fool of myself on Monday morning… I know my friends won’t wait for ‘April 1st’ to make fool of people…. when you have friends who are like you then you tend to get suspicious about such things 🙂

With big questions and slight happiness in mind i took bath… and in next 15 minutes i read the same message again and again (more than 20 times…). It was incomplete in sense… it kept on returning me void, kind of dangling pointer… (a true sense software engineer, i am, who thinks everything in terms of code) What is that mail, which i wrote and to whom…. thanks to saturday night bliss…. which made me forget pretty many things 🙂 That is the problem with having crush on more than one… and try to be senti with each and everyone when HIGH….

Before locking the door (to go to office), I decided to have a cigarette (for the road, as I say)… sitting on the staircase, I decided to read the message one more time… (for the road 🙂 May be will get some hint in it… it still seemed like Da Vinci Code… wanted to trace it and if it is a boy then decided to kill him…. i made a ‘to do’ for the day…trace the person from office number… 🙂

Cell beeped…
“I’m coming to bng to meet u… landing @10AM… hope, u be there… love u, r*s*ena :)”
[Name is hidden for the sake of the security of my future kids]

&*&$^! ^&#$^(*&^ &*%#@!) ^%^$#$***@
I went blank… i didn’t know how to react… what to reply… i thought i am wandering in some wild dream… pinched myself… oouch…. very much true it was…

What will happen next??? … but at least now, i need to meet the girl from airport… the girl, whom i had met couple of times… i liked her in the very first look… somehow i liked her… her eyes, her hairs, her lips, her smile, her ear-rings, her hindi… her favorite one line, ‘I love Rhotak’.. she was/is perfect…:) Most of the people won’t agree but i felt that she looks like Vidya Balan…
So i headed for the airport… and its long way… and i made sure to buy red roses for her… lots of roses… (though I felt reddiness of those flowers were dim compared to her smile) and while riding my bike I could visualize her face… and it brought a shy smile on my lips… and may be a euphoric sense, as monday morning i was not only skipping the office but meeting someone who made my day (may be coming years)

I’m gone see her after 3 months… I knew that I will miss her before she left mysore… so I had copied her ‘stamp size’ photo from her Orkut profile. Anyway in that 10×26 resolution photo no one can make difference between ape man and I. But somehow i could fill those blurr pixel with my imagination… and make a picture perfect 🙂 I looked at the watch… it was still 8:30… and the song which was playing on i-pod… Tu hi meri shab hai.. subah hai.. tu hi din hai mera…” really synched with my mood.

I was thinking of her so much that I couldn’t even see the traffic signal going green… and was standing in the front row of traffic and holding the traffic on ransom of my thoughts.
‘HONK… HONK….. HONK…..’…. a majestic truck started honking for the way…..

And I woke up….
With alarm sound… Checked the time, it was still 7:15 in the morning… “Oh god damn… monday morning…:(“

PS: I decided not to watch Vidya Balan movies/songs or Jab We Met when I am alone 🙂

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Dooorada Betta….

Again one more working day is over and my mind seem to be enjoying the tremors of last weekend hangovers… As I am not able to think beyond three zeros on this junk design, so I thought I will put some of my floating thoughts on paper, not that my extraordinary genius ideas will be lost in this cubicle but nothing gives me more pleasure than spending time in accomplishing a pointless ‘motto’ 🙂
Sometime back (year or so…), on a day which was nothing special than usual useless working day at Bosch, I thought ‘I should go for MBA, MBA is good for me’, in fact I felt that MBA is good for all living creatures.
And of course every determination comes with a bundle of distractions and confusions…
So as soon as I decided to do MBA, I could see ‘Everest’ of questions… when, where, how, why and what???
And obviously I needed suggestions…’Bitti’ suggestions…’bitti” but not so ‘shitty’ suggestions… and for such suggestion I have my roomie, Gubbs… So that’s my roomie… Gubbs….
Me: “Gubbs, MBA maadoNa antha idini… nin en helthiya?”
Gubbs: “ninage gottirbeku nin yaake MBA maadbekanthiya antha”

[That is what I wanted then, a super genius room mate and ‘unhelpful’ piece of question]

Gubbs: “what are your long term goals…?” [Interesting…very interesting… Sometimes I love such moral science questions]
Me: “Andre…” [Whaaaaaaaaattttt???? Just in case]

Gubbs: “where do you see yourself after 10-15 years down the line?” [I always thought it is a HR round question…with a standard answer, ‘I will be working as PM in YOUR organization’. As HR person knows, people join the company to quit but still it’s her duty to ask this utterly stupid question and it is our ‘ridiculous’ responsibility to answer]… (Continue…)

Me: “professionally or personally”? [Thought let’s be clear!!!]
Gubbs: “Professionally, lo…”
Me: “Oh….”

[After thinking a lot… I couldn’t think of anything solid… Means….I wanted a lot… I wanted 7figure salary (without decimal point), super private jets in my garage, may be a yacht with babes…etc…etc…Etc… ]
Me: “Gottilla lo…”
[I am not guilty for my bland reply… After all I am not Nostradamus…. stereotype software labor and useless corporate culture have restricted my view and plans till next weekend… and here the question is, after 10years!!!!]

Gubbs: “if becoming PM is your goal then don’t do MBA, anyway you can become PM after 4-5 years”
[Haaaan… that is true. Compared to the baboon brain people I have seen in this industry, I am like ‘Bradman’… So I can become PM any day… so Gubbs is right!!!]

Gubbs: “If money is reason then don’t do MBA, you can earn in other ways also”
[Really…??? I always thought money (in dollars) is the motive behind higher education… or my roomie is trying to suggest me make up some extra bucks which i have no idea]

Me: “adu nijane”
[Thought, will avoid lengthy debate on importance of money… as I hate anyone talking bad about money :)]

Gubbs: “actually heLbeku andre…..MBA dalli….bla…bla… and…”

[Trinnnng… my cell phone rang…]

(After 2 minutes of talk, which was more or less like ‘bar coded’ information…)

Me: “Gubbs… amele MBA discuss maadona… boys wait maadtha idaare… nanu hogirthini”
[To get some salvation]
I happily left the house (as I had taken the first step towards MBA that I talked about it… Hope u know, “Greatest journey starts with single step”) and Gubbs as usual got busy in some browsing activity (may be he felt relieved that his brain eating ‘Zombie’ room mate is gone)… and my ‘long term goal’ discussion stopped there for that night as I left the place to attend my ‘short term goal’.

Now and then I talk about this topic (MBA and long term goals)… and I happily spread my confusions to others by giving them information bits/bytes which I have acquired from Gubbs. Haan… I insanely motivated few guys to take up the GMAT… Haa… Haa… And still I am not sure of my looooooooong term goal 🙂

And God damn, I am not able to think what I will be doing after 10 years… (May be writing one more Blog then… wish I had a long term plan 10 years back 🙂

PS: Gubbs got MBA admission in Oxford University, UK and…haan… finally I have booked the date for my GMAT…

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Da Vinci Code

Problem of joining another (HUGE) company after 3 years: No friends around to talk and make fun, lots of expectation out of nothing and Code name: Bench. That’s the summary of my life at Infy so far. In a heavenly resort I find lost among the crowd which anytime surpasses the crowd of Tokyo railway station. Not only that, I am getting weird feelings about myself. Wearing full formals with neck tie, I feel that I am not in office but in some wedding reception. No traffic signals on the way to office, I feel that I never reached office. Okay.. lemme stop here and not talk about female trainees :).

Like trend as soon as I joined I got a manager (as if it’s birth right of every team member to have a manager) and a technical head (yup…. I have one) and there came my business unit head (so that makes us a full family)…. but still I lack someone here… who is it??? haan… I need a ‘team mate’. So here HE is, my team mate. And this is the saddest part of my story… i am so Bloody blessed that I always get HE peer but never SHE (hope God is not under impression that I am GAY). Can you imagine, company has 6000 employes in this unit and data of company says ‘40% females’ work here but I got a male team mate :(. I bet someone up there is behind this conspiracy… i think this reason is more than enough for me to become as ATHEIST… are u listening… .hey, listen… you damn almighty!!!…. 

Ok..ok… lets move ahead. Now whole composition looks nice so ‘get on to work’. So here I started SOMETHING which anyone can call work. I have my own derivation for the meaning of work. Work should be the one which can add value to your resume and get you good offer in another company. In other sense, work, should be the one which should send you on-site. So right now… I am content with former one.

So many distraction !!!!!!! Let me get on to work, for something which has no client and no schedule and no goal. I bet even managers won’t know what to call the thing that I am doing here, right now…. solution is simple, give a code name: BEnch. So here I am on Bench finally after three years, oh… three years of tiresome schedule. But one more small problem, only code name is bench but everything else is same. Unknown project with unscheduled deadlines and more than that I HAVE A DAMN PC also. That means I can’t spend time in library preparing for GMAT, I can’t go near training halls to see some trainee gals, I can’t take 3 hours of coffee break and I can’t have 10am to 5pm schedule. So what’s the fun, when I am on bench but still not on bench..!!!. [here I got the second reason to become a stronger Atheist… hey… at least listen this time].
So right now…. I am powered by BENCH and driven by NOTHING

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Which one should I rate as mammoth task decrypting Japanese language, understanding their body language or eating their food? I think most wicked is understanding their body language. I always knew their language is borrowed from a distant galaxy but soon realized that their body language is also not from this planet as most of the things they do are unusual and weirdly funny.

It was my first team party and person sitting next to me showed me, ‘his little finger’ (hand gesture for peeing, in our style). I thought this chap wants to go for pee, as barrel beer which he drank might be shouting out from his bladder. So I gave him little space to pass by but he didn’t move. And again he showed me that same finger and blabbered something (till today I don’t know whether it was Japanese or English) , this time I thought, he is asking me to go for pee. Wow… I was sitting next to a Bladder Reader (similar to palm reader), who predicts my urination cycle. Anyway I was not in a mood to leave table so sat there with a blank stare and smile by the corner of my lips, just to convey him that, thanks for his beautiful offer. Again he showed me the same finger, this time I got really ‘pissed off’ with him and thought of cutting his finger but another fellow peer came like an angel to bail me out.

Angel Peer: Aditya-san, he is asking, are you married? [Oh… what ‘nasty’ gesture]
Me: Oh… No…No… I am not married. [With a big smile and a much bigger sigh]
Bladder Reader: Hai… (Yes in Japanese), Good, good.
Angle Peer: This hand gesture is confusing for foreigners [And gave a smile as if he is glad with the achievement of ridiculously jumbling me]
Me: yes… it is but Daijob (That is OK)
Bladder Reader: Yes, confusing symbolJ. Same, ando… I am single wa [gave a basterdly innocent smile]

Looking at his smile, I thought he is trying to show his ‘gay’ instincts. To avoid any more advances or risks involved, I showed him my finger, of course small one and left the place for toilet. When I came back after ‘long relief program’, I took farthest possible seat from that ‘Bladder Reader’.

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I wrote this blog two years back, when I had achieved the pinnacle in confusioning myself with love matters… even now nothing has changed except I am little older and more confused… so posting it now.
Any relevance of this theory to DDLJ, KKHH, AAPJ, MNJ, NBC, PQR (any combination of alphabets) is just coincidental or inspired. Characters names in this story have been changed due to security of my future kids and my pet dog. Any reference to “ME” is me that is me only.

Why am I telling you this theory?
Good call pal….as you know Tuesday is Valentine’s Day, the day when couples express their love as if from next day onwards they will start living in different Galaxies… okay, leave it, anyway I never played the game, so I shouldn’t make rules. I think everyone…yes everyone wait for this day and plan big for this day… some as couple and few as single 🙂 [I belong to latter]

This is my 23rd valentine’s day and still I have hope that one day in my life I will celebrate this day. (What a confusing statement?) Its not that I am sitting here and staring these stupid monitor pixels and decided not to do anything about it and wait for a miracle that a girl will come in search of me like in some stupid Uday Chopra movie. I played my game not once but again and again…… ho…Ho…Don’t expect anything from this end……

The normal IQ people do resolutions on New Year…But I know few mammals do resolutions on Valentine’s day, “next time on this day I will be with a GIRL“…cool… I think everyone who is single and ready to mingle do this resolution but no one discuss such things, but secretly everyone does….okay …even I do. But in reality you will find me doing same resolution on this day next year also. And moreover to insult my injury, the girl for whom I made this resolution will be sitting in a coffee day and sipping coffee with some random guy.

I have my own stories of attempts which I did to celebrate valentine’s day as COUPLE…. but most of the time my partner would be my room mate, who is one more creature not better than me in any sense except NONSENSE . I think he is the one who made me realize that to be happy I should have a girl friend…. as if all the people on this planet who are single are nothing but Zombies. The very first time when I had this realization about my existence and root of happiness I started my venture, which most of the time turned out to be COMIC strip.

Trust me, quest for GOOD LOOKING girl is more adventurous than the ‘Columbus’ expedition to find new world. Sometime I feel like Indiana Jones, who will solve mystery by understanding what I am up to, because my chases started in confusion and ended in more confusions (as good as starting with logic low and ending at very, very logic low).

I really wonder how it happened first time…. whatever it was…. I just want to forget it….. but don’t know who designed this brain, it happens that it will remember data which I want to forget. When Miss Q who ditched me for first time saying that I look like her brother… instead she could have shot me dead with Bofors, how stupid I looked when I proposed Miss L in front of her boy friend… first time I felt gravitation is myth why not I am getting pulled inside the earth. And it will forget the things which I want to remember even though it is useless (when was the first time I met her…there goes SIXER)

Good Looking Girls (adj.): The female species which needs to fulfill more requirements than US visa application, from guy’s point of view
Boy Friend (verb, noun, abuse): It is a species which thinks that it is privileged (blessed) one…..but…..

Sometimes I feel why any of my stories didn’t click. I think my approach was NOT THAT GOOD (I really don’t know what it stands for). I really wonder after all these centuries of evolution there is no MANual to which I can refer for this APPROACH. I feel all these CMMI level 5 and six sigma are used where things go smooth without them and there is no standardization in most basic arena of life….. It’s true that its complicated to understand girl but come on…. at least one (koi…ek…mai…ka…laal)…. might have figured it out….. So after all these days of living in civilization, I feel all my ancestors were ‘really’ monkeys who couldn’t normalize one SMALL problem.

Finally I figured out the main area of problem……. it is communication (HR approach…) In most of conversations even though I was talking with her in English at the end of conversation I feel we were talking in two different languages (may be mine was more tribal). Is it not great that after one hour of call except my phone bill nothing changed between me and her? Whatever was my approach, it shaped my own character which I am still analyzing. Either I would get a complement that I am HUMOROUS as if I am Govinda, who laughs on his own jokes. If I get more closer then she might tell me how her ex boy friend ditched her….Bla…bla…bla… and use my shoulder to cry as if my shirt is meant to dry her ocean of tears and if I get more closer to her then she will tell what characters she wants in her man… (Sometime if you mix all these characters he won’t be any different than good looking Robot…)

Basically I really hate this building conversations with girl. It really hurts my non existing ethics when I know that there is no common factor between us except that her ancestors were also monkeys. Viz. where did you buy those cute pair of shoes (imagine…cute…that also shoes…), so how is your brother (as if her brother hunts dinosaurs everyday…..), What food you like most??? (i really thank God that she never answered as cooked octopus)

Actually to have a girl in my life I should be ready to answer stupid questions and should make choices which should be same as hers (then why those were called options… ) Viz. whom do you like more Amit sana or abhishek sawant (are they her cousins? Thank god she didn’t ask me to SMS my choice) Do you like Westlife?? (Common…I know what Westside is….) Do you smoke????? (No girl…if I am out of cash then I prefer Bee Dee also)… And in most of the cases I have to ADAPT myself to her environment (Thank you Darwin uncle….).

By reading the above lines anyone can tell that why I don’t have girl friend (most of you might be thinking that i don’t deserve one). Anyway this is me…. and this is my story….. I agree that I wrote above theory but still want to fall for someone, the reason may be I am living in present for the future… may be the bad person inside me wants to be “NOT THAT BAD”…or may be I want to be dumped one more time 🙂

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