Archive for the ‘funny’ Category

Facebook mania



Other day I met a guy who religiously gave me pieces (along with chicken pieces) of advice about everything that ever existed under sun, moon and Andromeda… starting from first tree living amphibians till the chicken which crossed road to reach KFC.… but one comment was particularly catchy, “In life, you either just follow others or stand out and be a Mark Zuckerberg… haa…haa…”

That was quite interesting comment… (including his ‘Raavan’ style laugh)… These days it is all about Facebook a.k.a. FB (to save word count)… it’s all about updating status, sharing photos, commenting, re-commenting, liking and again liking…

Even Hollywood folks made movie, ‘Social Networking’… (it’s not that Hollywood always makes movies on latest trends of our lives… see, we don’t have blue men with tails walking around shopping malls but we have movie, Avatar – 3D… hence the proof 🙂 ). But during the dawn of PC era, Hollywood had made a movie, Pirates of Silicon valley, based on rivalry between Bill Gates and Steve Jobs… and now it is creator of Facebook.

Even, ‘I- the arbitrary’ is writing blog about FB… hua.. haa…

There are about 500 million users in one place… that means there are more people on FB than combined population of Indonesia, Vietnam, Philippines, Thailand, and Nepal… (it was 1 day ago… so I am not responsible if people of these places are busy increasing population, just to prove me wrong…)….  so if you are not on FB then it is as good as you are not part of these countries… (stupid conclusion of good analysis :))

Every decade ends with something… Last decade ended with hues and cries of Y2K… and turn of this decade is witnessing vast people leading web (2.0) enabled social life… 🙂

Definitely FB has changed our life… soon our talks will become like this or have become like this,

Me: Machi, Want to go out for drink (s)?

Friend: No, I already had 10 beers in office

Me: Cool man… office party??

Friend: Nope… I added FB application, ‘drink till your liver falls out of your kidneys’

Let me get into my analytical shoes… and take up the useless task of classification of FB users:

  • I-live-here: These people literally live on FB…“today I ate banana leaf for lunch… hee….hee…”, ‘oh!! Sensodyne toothpaste is so tasty…’ but eventually their sleeping brain wakes up and they stop it…
  • U-Tubers: These people enjoy sharing videos… you rarely see anything else from these people but just videos… hope they are getting paid from Youtube for this noble act
  • Go getters: I hardly know any person who leads interesting life (except my friend who builds gliders with RD engines… aayeee…) to write interesting status… so these people start doing something different so that they can put it on FB… “today I ate with only two fingers”, “today I ran faster than auto-rickshaw”… if they don’t do anything different… then they search something on Google… like, translation of some old Chinese poem, or Romanian philosopher’s unheard quote… and put it there
  • Smartass: These people are watching you… and even before you finish writing your status they will be ready with some smartass comments for it… as per my micro-mini theory, usually software programmers can do this better considering their vast experience in writing comments to the code than actual code… (hee… hee…)
  • Likers: These people ‘like’ a lot… for no good reason they like everything posted on FB… these are the real criminals… if someone doesn’t like your non-sense then will you do it again… so it’s not who puts the stupid status but the likers
  • Watchers: These mammals… don’t do any of the above… they strongly believe FB is for Narcissists… but nonetheless these people spend more time on FB, just to see what others are doing… they know whose relationship status is ‘God-knows’, who went to Zulu for honeymoon,  who ate banana leaf for lunch… so any info about their friends will be on there key-board-tips 🙂

And me, being universal man, I fall in all categories… sometimes I put videos, sometimes Chinese quotes and sometimes aimless blogs… all in one 🙂

I am not sure if it is fad or way of life now onwards… but surely most of the things have moved to FB… like you don’t have to visit NEWS portals anymore… just follow them on FB… one of the company HR told (sheepishly) that for job listing follow us on FB… isn’t it weird??? If I want job with your company I will rather visit your company website than FB… anyway !!!

I am with opinion that everyone should be in par with the latest trends with the exception of my uncles and my family… because public forum like FB is too risky (unless FB comes up with a family version with God’s photos as background and devotional songs as statuses), too stupid (mom: you never go and see your own farm but play this stupid game (farmville) on computer) and too annoying (to answers my uncles’ questions)

My uncle (recent victim of FB) asked, “What is the ‘poke’? What should I do now?”

I told, ‘if the guy who poked you is at arm distance… then stretch your arm and give a tight slap… if he is far away wait till he comes in reach and then slap’ :-))

Anyway wind is blowing FB way… and as a farmer by blood, I believe in harvesting when wind is blowing… so I am on FB… till…


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Searching has been part of mankind since the time when nomadic man forgot his animal skin dress when he went for swimming… since then, we have been searching one or other thing… some people search very deep things, like secret to eternal happiness, and some people, like me, search for simple things, “hey!!! Where the heck is my towel???”

Long back people used to go to spiritual gurus, teachers or enlightened person to seek answers to their questions… but now they simply ‘Google it’. In one of the pub escapade my drunken friend was shouting “after God, only Google has all the answers” (that’s kinky:)

There are hundreds of books about why GOOGLE is so GOOGLE… but I think secret behind Google’s success is as simple as finding ‘lost tooth brush…’

Classified story about inception of Google goes like this…
One fine day morning, in Stanford University canteen, two random guys called Addy and Totu were having ‘batti’ (on next table two more random guys were sitting, for convenience of my story, I will call them ‘Google boys’)

Addy: Oh damn, today again, I couldn’t find my right leg socks…see my legs, I am like posing for United Colors of Benetton, two different color socks 🙂
Totu: That’s usual… men are meant to lose 3 things… socks, mobile phones and heart 🙂
Addy: You are right… socks are meant to be lost… but of all the things that I lost, I miss my mind the most…
Totu: I can sense that… why don’t you take someone’s help to search it???
Addy: But whose help….who is out there to help me search stupid things… who, Totu, who? (That’s filmy…hee…hee…)

(The next table guys over heard conversation) Ta…da….!!!!! Google boys got the idea… a search engine… where people can search for anything and everything… (And thus Google was born and everyone lived happily after)

Google is quite smart… it remembers popular searches… and above is the snap shot of Google popular searches when I typed ‘how to’…

Interesting results… isn’t it…??? (Let me see what the world is up to???)

Its quite strange that most popular search is ‘how to get pregnant’… To, dear girl/ boy (who searched this)… if you are relying on search engine to find how to get pregnant then seriously you are not ready for THIS… so please don’t try it at home… after all its internet, if something goes wrong then you might end with Himesh Reshamiya or Terminator–V 🙂

Make love… this is tricky one… there is thin line between, making love, falling in love, being in love, in love, out love or just love love… hope you people got what you wanted to know about love… else call 18009734598, popular love guru helpline.

Lose weight…and lose weight fast???
At some turn in evolution humans obsessed with weight and oral hygiene and still lot are obsessed with weight reduction… come’on all you chubby people… you are already in shape, round is a shape… so be happy with the fact geometrically you are perfect 🙂
And people who are searching ways to lose weight in faster way… listen people, are you guys trying to set Guinness record or something???  Remember first of all you are fat and more over you are impatient… so you are prone to high BP… one day you will burst like water balloon… so take it slow and take it easy

Grow taller… weirdo… what you are trying to achieve… ask Giraffe what it achieved by growing tall… nothing, null, nil, zero (unless you want to get part time job as staircase)

Kiss… you definitely don’t need Google to teach you this… you need a counterpart who is proactive … so stop excessive browsing, close the browser, shutdown your computer and hit the street, go get some life and find someone… okay?

Download youtube videos, Jailbreak iphone 3gs, tie a tie and writing a resume… I have no expert comments on these… when I don’t want to play the game; I don’t even bother to check the rules… sorry!!!

You might be wondering what the heck I was searching???

I am so disciplined, with such an awesome presence of mind that I just can’t remember one or other thing…(by the way, today again, I didn’t find my right leg one black socks)
But this time I am searching for big thing… an apartment… so my search was ‘how to find a decent cheapest apartment near City Hall MRT’ 🙂

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It was quiet for a year or so… Thanks to recession, not many people showed their gymnastic skills by ‘jumping’ around the companies… Slowdown was bad for lots but it was hidden boon for few, it made few people happy… Managers, who dumbly believed that their good for nothing leadership is holding back the ‘resources’ and HR people, who thought employees are happy with their blood sucking policies…
But time is changing again… Companies are opening up and providing arena to my software-engineer friends to show their jumping skills… And I am glad to announce that I am one among the few guys who resigned this year from my department…
Question: What is that invented immediately after companies started?
Answer: Resignation letter 🙂
Resignation is integral part of my generation… my father worked 25 years in one place… For person who has resigned 3 times in last 5 years, staying at one place for 25 years is like spending few hundred million years watching Saans Bhi kabhi Bahu thi 🙂
I always believed that resigning is an art… though you can never become Da Vinci of this art but you can try your bit… Here some things people do… :
* Resign on Mondays… Every one hates Mondays, including your manager. So there is no harm increasing her annoyance. Good thing about resigning on Monday, whole week will go in meetings, negotiations, so total time pass.
* Never resign on Fridays… you will forget that you have resigned after 2 beers of Friday night party… so fun of resignation will vanish in hours.
* Have lots of meetings with your managers… its fun to watch them talk about unheard opportunities, untold promotions and unplanned challenges… more meetings, more you get sense of your importance [last deserving feel good factor].
[Resignation negotiation meetings are not better than discussing ‘why did chicken cross the road?’… may be it is hungry and heading towards KFC or may be it thinks road is for crossing… how does it matter???]
* Always roam around with big broad smile on your face after resignation… you should send encouraging waves to your colleagues… what- a-bliss it is to resign… right?
* Think about farewell mail… start working on draft version of farewell mail as soon as you resign… it is important. One should effectively use Latin, Greek, French, Chinese or Hieroglyphics words… more confusing the mail more information is conveyed.
* In team meetings talk as much as possible about process improvements… after all you are quitting. Even if your plans are implemented, your ass will not be on fire.
* Don’t spend too much time on exit form… your feed back paper will be used as substitute for toilet paper in next recession time… no need to prove or convey anything… just walk out 🙂
There is nothing personal about resignation… Its part and parcel of software engineer’s job… we come, we see and we jump… up… up and away 🙂

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Blisss WEDS trick

[Achtung: This is work of fiction and handy work of burnt brain cells… my would-be-wife please don’t read it seriously.]
Marriage is very tricky” – I am not really good in counting… but I think its 9th time my friend (Married And Confused… MAC) mentioned this line in last 4mins… I just assumed that it is new wedding bliss…

Last November, I could really tell ‘marriages were in air’… as I attended lots of weddings, receptions and engagements… I felt as if ‘best deal’ sale was going on for marriages… yuppy… loads of free food 🙂

In (now married)Bhatta’s words… “You may deny or may be selective about accepting reality… but truth is ‘It’s the time’ 🙂“.
He is right… my family is taking marriage issue seriously… more than them my relatives wants to see my wedding… either they think it is first of its kind… or they want break from daily operas and look for new time pass…

But… am I ready for it??? In some sense (probably non-sense)… Yes, I am… of course I have nice job (though my company needs bailout every weekend to run projects), I lead quite stable life (though Saturday morning I need strong lemon soda to remind myself that I am not Katrina 🙂), I am responsible (shit… power cut.. didn’t I pay bills, again?), I am matured (just read this blog 🙂)

Me: “How did you decide to marry the girl whom you are married now?”
MAC: “Oh… when it happens… it just happens”
Me: “Did you say shit happens? Or plainly you meant… if anything has to go wrong… it will go wrong??”
MAC: “Noo… Noo….. Marriage is tricky, you know” [this line is still sounded like the one which you hear from dumb news reader… you don’t know if it is true but it is repeated all day]

Useless quote: I heard it from greater than greatest person that marriage is like buying mobile phone… once you get one, you always feel, if you waited some more time, you could have got latest one at much cheaper price” [may be this guy was hit badly by his wife after marriage… so my would-be-wifey… this is not my feeling… but just quoting it]

Do I fit in girl’s requirement??? So decided to ask my friend who coincidentally Born As Girl(BAG)
Me: “So…your parents must be searching groom for you?”
BAG: “Yes… they started long back… but even I need to decide who I should marry”
Me: “So you already got one… or have a requirement for that”
BAG: “I have requirements… He should be tall (giraffe make good husband???), dark (yes, Obama boys), handsome (it is subjective)… cool (I am), calm (depends), silent (while sleeping)…”
(If you combine all these traits all you can visualize is the 9 feet statue of Shivaji Maharaj standing in the circle :-))

Useless quote: I am not afraid of terrorist… I am already married 🙂 [Does this fellow who quoted this line wanted to spread fact that his wife is actually a BOMB :-)]

Even we guys will have requirements…
Me: “How did you decide to marry the girl with whom you are married now?”
MAC: “See… girl should be sensible, caring, less spending, and less talkative, less annoying… but we are grown-ups… so do we believe in these myths??? Noo…. Noo… so follow one standard rule, marry the girl who is good looking… you know it’s quite tricky:)”

Drastic changes… that is what I fear though I always tell ‘change is good’. So what can be those changes??? I have to get accustomed to more laws (mother-in-law, father-in-law, brother-in-law), I have to accept permitted non-changability (starting from hair style till job, I need Vito from my wifey), can’t flirt with her best friend (lose right of creativity), have to tolerate her cousins (apart from my already existing nosy cousins), learn to be patient (have to wait months till she goes to her parents house and I get chance to booze whole night 🙂

Me: “Do you feel the loss of free will?”
MAC: “noo…noo… not at all… free will prevails… but hers…”
Me: “I am sorry… so was it good as bachelor?”
MAC: “Earlier it was my PM who used to control my free will by giving me hell lot of work, it was my company HR who controlled my free will of dressing… but NOW my WIFE controls it… but see the positive side, someone inside my family exploiting my free-will not out siders:-)”

Like two sides of coin… every head has a tail…(whatever that means)
There are some positive things about marriage… I can go places (buy cooker in commercial street and to buy its gasket go to Jayanagar), I can become Neil Armstrong (will get chance to go honey-MOON), I can increase my list of people whom I can hate and use bad words (my cousin-in-laws included to the list now), will have more social life (though might lose few of my good old ever laughing friends as SHE will hate them for sure) but will get chance to know more girls (her friends)… so as per my calculation I will be knowing more girls after marriage than I know as bachelor)… I can be excused from late night work at office (do they make married guys work late night???… at least I never seen)

Me: “Our ancestors never got married…. But some-how evolution took drastic change and humans started marriages… at times we hate it, at times we love it… we take it lightly and yet we are serious about it…Right… bro??”
MAC: “That’s very well said… Marriage is very tricky, my boy”
Me: “I shouldn’t ask this… but I can’t control it anymore… Is marriage so magical that you actually call it magic trick?”
MAC: “Noo… noo…. my family TRICKED me to get married… otherwise, I was happy singing, dancing, shouting, drinking bachelor :-)”

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Freakonomy – TGIF :)

‘Wall-Street’ crisis… Lehman Bankrupt… Bailout plan… Dollar surge… commodity prices… crude… interest rates…. What is common in these words? No cherry point for guessing that ‘world economy is getting screwed’.
These are the new topics of conversation for people… Now days you hear these words in any place where more than one person is present (anyway I don’t talk to myself sitting on commode)… starting from tea shops to shabby bars, from office cafeteria to late night parties… people love to talk about these things.

The topics are so famous that people have started using these words in popular lingo… The other day my friend was complaining that his girl friend is giving him only one smooch per week and she is blaming that rise in prices of essential commodities is reason for this cost cutting 🙂 Anyway I asked him to invest in ‘other’ mutual funds to balance the total smooches. (And… my roommate used to tell that I don’t have sense of market)

And you really don’t have to know why bankruptcy happened or what bankruptcy means… All you have to do is remember the words…

Today morning I had interesting conversation with the bakery ‘mallu Uncle’ from whom I buy my daily dose of nicotine and caffeine.
Mallu Uncle: Bailout is very small (with clear dissatisfaction on face)
Me: Really…???
Mallu Uncle: 700 billion is too less in America to bail out so many people.
Me: ‘So many people’? I thought it is for companies.
Mallu Uncle: You software people don’t know ‘generator’ knowledge of markets… In America there are famous brothers called Lehman Brothers like we have ‘Kaurava brothers’ here… They did something and people put them in Jail…and America is bailing out them from Jail… they are famous I guess, I think they are cousin’s of Bush.
Me: Oh (I couldn’t tell much)
Mallu Uncle: Just imagine how much is 700 Billion
Me: Please shower me with that knowledge!!!
Mallu Uncle: It is very big money in India… If I have that money I can buy all the coconuts of Kerala, all the lungis, start at least 1500 bakeries and produce at least 4000 Mallu B-grade movies starring Shakeela. I just said kudos… and made a small pact that I will be actor in one of the movies and came to office. (even i need a backup plan when recession stuck 🙂

Today morning one of my uncle called me to ask ‘am I going to office?’. (Is it uncle’s day, today?) On inquiring he told that GM share is all time low… so will the office be open?

That was so weird, right? What GM shares have to do with my stupid tasteless job? After all I am a developer… A developer’s job is to make the girl pregnant… that’s it. It is job of business analysts, marketing people to carry baby for 9 months, go through the pain, pay the bills and deliver it safely… [That is most simplified corporate hierarchy lesson by Gowda (Popular belief is that he is one among those nasty Lie-man Brothers). Hope now you mammals know, ‘what they don’t teach in Harvard‘ or you can simply say why Gowda shouldn’t be admitted to Harvard 🙂

Here is the PJ question: What is common between Lehman Brothers and Ramsey Brothers.
Ans: Both scared shit out of the people… one in market and one in TV shows (Ramsey brothers produced Zee Horror Shows and plenty of horror movies)

As I was talking about economy in office cafeteria, I see most of my peers sitting grimly and talking about market crash and Sensex drop… so I dared to ask one of my nosy colleague, ” how much you lost in market?” With grave face he told, “No, I was planning to put some 5000 rupees if market was good”…[kutta saala… Khaaya peeya kuch nahin aur bottle bhi nahin thoda].

Anyway this is nice valid time to spend time in cafeteria… “Global economy is down…. so do you think your 10lines of code will make difference…. so why work, sit here.. let’s enjoy coffee” (one among 351 reasons to call ourselves as cheap labors :-()

And let me keep quiet about the blond female, who comes to cafeteria with pink color coffee mug, who told me that she always liked movies produced by Lehman brothers but recent movies are not good so they bankrupted…. Listen you stupid brainless female they are Warner Bros not Lehman bros.

One more PJ question:Why it is called as SENSEX?
Ans: After every RISE, it follows with DROPS :0)

So today is sufficiently a bad day, GM shares have reached all time low since great depression, major companies have lost money and all major indexes are falling… in short global economy is getting screwed… but still there is hope… today is Friday, so go home drink properly and God damn get drunk to the core, pee from balcony, steal neighbor’s clothes, bite your house owner’s dog, and don’t do anything which makes slightest of the Sense… 🙂

Economy is like driving a car in a tunnel; if you lose control the car will hit one side wall and bounce and hit other wall but ultimately will come on track… so cool.

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[Continuation from part 2… ]
Disclaimer: This is just funny/ weird interpretation of Japanese words and no offenses to any Nihonjin or Gaijin. I am not damn responsible if you people think this is mini-Japanese dictionary and want to use it is research to earn Ph.D in Non-Sense:)

Otsukaresama deshita :
Literally, “you must be tired,” it is the equivalent of “thank you for your hard work.” It said at the end of the day when leaving work, when it means, “thank you for your fruitless hours of ridiculousness.” Also effectively used after: sex, a co-worker’s sojourn in the staff bathroom, and bad dates.

Genki :
“Lively, Energetic”. Used lovingly to describe rambunctious children or as an insult for extremely annoying and infantile adults. Also forms the basis of the greeting “o-genki desu ka?” (Literally: “Are you lively?” equiv. of “how are you?”), the response to which is usually “I’m fine, sankyou ando you.”Ohayo gozaimasu:
“Good morning.” Usually shortened to “mhsssssss,” so walking into a Japanese office in the morning sounds like walking into a den of snakes with speech impediments. [Bending is must… sometime ‘Morning’ will do…and ‘guten morgen’ if individual is hot German trainee chic]

Osaki ni:
“Excuse me for leaving the room,” one says this when leaving work before others. Translations also include, “excuse me for actually having a life,” so long suckers, I am not paid extra for over time NE

The equivalent of the Canadian (also German?!) “Eh?” or the more formal “isn’t it?”; “ne” is an interjection seeking confirmation from the addressed party. Used as follows, “the sky is beautiful, ne?” or “Food at shokudo today tasted like SAMOSHI (Same Old shit), NE?”

Any thing which is remotely living can be graded to this level of adjective. Literal meaning ‘pretty/cute’. And most of the living things fascinate Japanese so every moving thing is as good as ‘cute’ from their perspective.

Literal meaning ‘great/amazing’. But can be used for anything which is remotely DIFFERENT. Play it always on safer side. “Sugoye, ne” If a nihonjin feels so then will get a definite “Hai” [yes] and virtually you will be awarded with Yes as for most of the Nihonjin everything is Sugoye including a weird looking food item.

Now time for Some Bad WOrds…
Shine! :
“Die!” can be softened to “doka shinde kudasai,” which means “for my sake, would you please go ahead and die?” Japanese people love to use this word all the time as a friendly greeting. So don’t get offended cause it doesn’t mean as it may sound.

“Pervert” typically applied to Japanese men who are acting sketchy. In other words, “virtually most of the Japanese men virtually all the time”

Omae! :
“You!” When used among friends this is informal and friendly. When used among people who are not friends, it’s extremely rude.

Hentai :
“Perverse”… Usually applied to pornographic anime, which politely blurs out the genitals so viewers can enjoy graphic scenes of girl being brutally raped by tentacled aliens without seeing anything untoward.

Kyonyu suki? :
“Do you like big breasts?” Sounds very close to “can you ski?” which has probably led to many a hilarious and tragic misunderstanding in Nagano and Hokkaido.


Last and most important one:

Meaning ‘bye bye’ or ‘come back soon’. Or can be used with little easiness as ‘Tata’ or ‘chau’ (as in german).

[Complete… the end]

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[Continuation from Part 1 ……….]
Disclaimer: This is just funny/ weird interpretation of Japanese words and no offenses to any Nihonjin or Gaijin. I am not damn responsible if you people think this is mini-Japanese dictionary and want to use it in your research to earn Ph.D in Non-Sense:)

“Convenience store.” A ubiquitous aspect of Japanese life, Konbinis are the place to go to for all of life’s essentials: food, snacks, drinks, supplies, and porn magazines.

“Countryside”, the rural districts of Japan, are determined and measured by the meters between two Konbinis. If you can walk 10 meters without passing a Lawson’s, Family Mart, AM-PM, 7-11, or Coco, you are officially in Inaka. Levels of inaka are also classified by the best fast food chain one has. As follows: Not Inaka (Wendy’s), Partially Inaka (McDonald’s), Pretty Inaka (KFC), Damned Inaka (MosBurger), Ridiculously Fucking Inaka (none). The Inaka is distinguished by its expanses of rice paddies, unpopulated schools, lack of young people, and extremely sexually frustrated single people. 

Kana are the two phonetic syllabifies of Japanese language: Hiragana is used to write words and provide grammar references in sentences. Katakana is used to bastardize foreign loan words so that foreigners are forced to spend long unproductive hours to figure out which of their own words it is. For example, “hanbaagu [Hand bag],” “Cohi [coffee]”, “tobago [cigarette]” or “Pooru [Pool]”.

Kanjis are Han-Chinese characters, a system of writing borrowed from China. Kanji are some 2,000 ideographs that have both phonetic and semiotic components called “radicals” (such as water, wheat stalk, mouth, fire, person, etc) that reveal much about the culture that invented them. For instance, ethno linguistic specialists have determined that fauna of China when first Kanjis were invented consisted largely of window panes with spider legs and spiky boxes wearing hats. 

Oishii: (meaning: Delicious)
The word has an interesting history, as for centuries it served mere an abstract concept, as none of the raw or overcooked food in Japan could even remotely be described as “oishii.” Oishii thus could only be defined as something that didn’t exist.

Yatta! :
“Did it!” The Japanese equivalent of “woo hoo!”. Generally used upon completion of a task, particularly effective after completing daily routines in micro-bathroom. 

Nomikai/Enkai:“Work party”, a time for Japanese people to get together with co-workers and unwind over few drinks (note that in Japan, “a few drinks” is the equivalent of a kegger). Whatever happens in Enkai remains in Enkai. Japanese use this loophole to drunkenly telling off their boss, asking ridiculously personal questions. Perhaps, virtually identical to office Christmas parties in America, except no one get fired on Monday.


[To be Continued… see part3]

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