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English… English is ‘window’ to the world” – my primary school English teacher used to tell. As I studied in Kannada medium, English used to be one of the complicated things which ruined 10% of my childhood  😦

English is quite difficult language, most of us agree. I know people, who can’t under stand English movies without sub titles. That is OK, I guess; English ‘IS’ difficult, even Japanese feel so…There are hundreds of reasons I can count, why Japanese can’t speak ‘understandable’ English. And I strongly believe that it is everything to do with their own language which is so complicated, and jumbled that poor guys won’t be able to understand any other languages. Japanese have three scripts to ‘happily’ confuse themselves, Hiragana (to write Japanese origin words), Katakana (to bastardize the foreign loan words) and Kanji (a symbolic script which looks like window panes with hats and spider legs).

More than that, I can count thousands reasons why, I can’t speak Japanese!!! As the part of conspiracy of deputation, even I was ‘forced’ to learn Japanese Language but after few weeks, I surrendered my ‘worthless effort of understanding’ to this language.

If someone decides to sell ‘impossible’ in a packet, then it can be named as ‘Japanese Tutorial’, as no one can read or write it and no one can understand what Japanese are speaking. So without any proper ‘verbal’ tool, I entered Japan. That was not a big deal; even Columbus didn’t know tribal languages when he was set on the voyage to unknown islands… right?On those cute little islands, I realized the importance of ‘noises’ coming out of mouth. As most of the time, we (me and Japanese) didn’t understand what we are talking… So I had to rely on my acting skills to convey my words.

Japanese don’t have ‘L’ (‘R’ is used) and ‘Th’ (‘S’ is used) in their Altaic Originated script, this ‘loop hole’ lead to confusing and hilarious conversations. ‘Thank you‘ becomes ‘Sankyu‘ and ‘Election‘ become ‘Erection‘… (You can easily say, Japan has erection once in 4 years… haa…haa… 🙂

Now let me introduce you to the art of bastardization of the foreign loan words. Japanese happily stole words from English, cooked them as per their need and derived a script also to write it. [I bet Japanese Linguistic specialists were quite jobless]. The only intention behind this Katakana script is to force the foreigners to spend hours on trying desperately to figure out which of their own words it is which is ‘aped’ miserably. Like Kohi (Coffee), Fanu (Fan), Tobago (Cigarette), Cheezu (Cheese), pooru (pool)… etc.

Sometimes i wondered why Japanese have to make something so simple like language as so complicated… one fine day, I bought a news paper (to check ‘Manga’) and my God!!! First of all news paper was in Japanese (which I can’t read anyway), more than that it will be written vertically (up-down) and ‘to add spice to adulterated food’ have to read it from right to left [Reverse way].I can’t use the phrase ‘out of blue’ when Japanese peers used to speak some funny English. But most weird one I ever heard/ read; when I was leaving Japan, I got a ‘Sayonara’ mail from one of my peer, which read: “Aditya-san, you must feel hard when go from Japan” [What the heck!!! Was he really meant, me to have a HARD while leaving Japan, Why…Is this kind of semi-ethnic ritual on this island before leaving the country…?]

By the time I left Japan, i really felt English is not necessarily window to the world 🙂

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Like every other weird kid, I used to like playing with creepy creatures (including my cousins and ‘nosy’ friends) like worms and insects. With age, I stopped playing and started watching these weird creatures on ‘Discover Channel’.While I was leaving for Japan, the only encouraging statement I heard was, “you are non-veggie, so you can easily survive”.

But every word of encouragement shattered on the very first day in office. I had to take help of two of my friends to crack the ‘Hieroglyphics’ menu. Me: Is this the menu? [The prototype of food items will be exhibited]
Dhana: Yes, Thambi. The items, calories and price [proudly presenting himself as ‘menu’ cracker]
Me: Looks weird, na??

Subbu: Taste will be same [and a smile of ‘can’t help it]

Me: Which one should I take?
Dhana: Take this one [pointed at something in bowl, Dhana had capabilities of eating anything]
Me: Hmmm [Thinking…what the heck is that floating thing?]
Subbu: Dude, take this. It looks OK [pointing to some other thing.. Later, I found out that Subbu was good in choosing wise in limited worst options]


And then…..
I was given with a small rice bowl and a half-cooked fish. To add agony to the misery of my hungry stomach, I had to eat with ‘chopsticks’. Rice was really sticky which can be used as substitute for ‘Fevicol’ and fish, fish was not cooked properly, its eyes were out and I felt they were looking at me… if I had gazed it for few more seconds then it might have yelled back “asshole, what are you looking at like a pervert?… are you a fish ‘rapist’?.. Bloody eat me fast, it pains when half cooked”.
That was creepy feeling. I was hungry like a pig so I cut down my flying thoughts about fish and ate it. Like this everyday at canteen used to be an adventure in its own sense. While surviving the office canteen, I thought it was my pay back time to all the sins I committed.Whenever I had been to office parties, I used to recall ‘good old’ Discovery channel shows as all the creatures which I had seen on the documentaries used to be on our dining table. I don’t know how they catch these things and how they derived a ‘recipe’ to cook these weird creatures (actually speaking ‘recipe’ has just virtual meaning in Japan) I think cooking method is simple, catch the creature and serve it…

I ate my life’s most interesting things in ‘Izakai’ (traditional Japanese bars). I call it interesting and thrilling as I never felt that my food will jump out of the plate. Most interesting items were live octopus, and half grown frozen duck…

Thanks to ‘evolution of my eating habits’, within few days I adapted to Japanese food and slowly started feeling that I will pass the survival test and in reality I aced in it. Surprisingly, I gained 4-5 KGs in six months, as I ate everything and anything which I saw on dining table [fight of survival started and ended in my stomach]. Even today when I watch Discovery, I remember Japan, office canteen and office parties!!!

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Idli – a food item which looks like tiny ‘space saucer’. As per South Indians, Idli (along with its kin, Vada – Indian Doughnut) is termed as ‘King of breakfast’. . Most of us eat Idli daily but I started worshiping these ‘tiny UFOs’ after a strange incident.

It was my first trip in Japanese bullet train, so I was excited and at the same time little disappointed as ‘The Family’ was joining us for trip. But on the eve of journey, I go news from Dhana that ‘The Family’ is preparing Idlis for all of us. Hearing this news within 7milli seconds my affection for ‘the family’ increased 29.7 times 🙂

Adre, next day morning when we boarded the ‘sub way’, ‘the family’ realized that they have forgotten Idli pack at home. What a pity… what a shame?
Mr. Senior R furiously started blasting his family for this ‘inhumanly’ act. Mr. Junior R was busy in analyzing how they might have missed the packet. Using ‘Fourier Transforms’, he concluded that its Japan’s fault… [May be as trains here leave on time, if there was delay in train he could have gone back and fetched that packet… very true]. Mrs. Senior R was not much worried about what was happening between Father and Son, she had done her job of cooking, logistics was not her job…

And we outsiders decided to stay away from the discussion, ‘101 ways to remember idli packets while traveling’… anyway we were not sure that our insurance covers damages for domestic violence of other families… so we followed simple phrase, ‘silence of the lambs’ 🙂

Whenever conversation used to come to a halt, Mr. Senior used to ‘kick the starter’ with loud voice “How can you forget Idli?” And again ‘family’ used to start their pointless discussion. Arguments and counter arguments of ‘The Family’, made me realize that forgetting Idli pack is much bigger crime than murder.

After seeing the Bullet Train the idli topic faded away and ‘the family’ was ready to take ‘the family’ snap. I felt instantly that true family is the one which fights for Idlis and poses for camera 🙂

Mr. Senior was quite peculiar, and always used to target me to show his ‘tourist guide’ skills, he used to tell some ‘spectacular’ things about the place, which I felt really boring. And Family kept on calling me ‘Puneet’ [A stupid looking Kannada movie actor, haan… Puneet comma hereaaa…]. Anyway, I had no other option but to tolerate them, although I had no reason to like them [of course, they had no Idlis].

And it was lunch time, looking at ‘the family’ member’s faces, I could make out that soon volcano will erupt over ‘forgotten Idli’ topic and we guys decided to vacate the potential ‘war zone’. Before wink of eye, we were in McDonald’s and while eating chicken burger we (non-‘Family’ members) didn’t miss the chance of think about ‘the family’ (which automatically brought ‘sadist’ smiles on our faces 🙂

After many cold and hard working days in Japan, finally the day of my return was near. As a part of excitement of home going, I started dreaming of India but strangely not of girls, friends or family but of Idlis, lots of Idlis. I never realized whether I used to love Idlis so much but sure ‘The Family’ and its ‘Idli trip’ has its impact on my imagination… :)…. I bet even after 3-4 reincarnations, I will get these ‘flying Saucers’ (Idlis) in my dreams… thanks to ‘the family’ and mindless ‘idli’ arguments!!!

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Which one should I rate as mammoth task decrypting Japanese language, understanding their body language or eating their food? I think most wicked is understanding their body language. I always knew their language is borrowed from a distant galaxy but soon realized that their body language is also not from this planet as most of the things they do are unusual and weirdly funny.

It was my first team party and person sitting next to me showed me, ‘his little finger’ (hand gesture for peeing, in our style). I thought this chap wants to go for pee, as barrel beer which he drank might be shouting out from his bladder. So I gave him little space to pass by but he didn’t move. And again he showed me that same finger and blabbered something (till today I don’t know whether it was Japanese or English) , this time I thought, he is asking me to go for pee. Wow… I was sitting next to a Bladder Reader (similar to palm reader), who predicts my urination cycle. Anyway I was not in a mood to leave table so sat there with a blank stare and smile by the corner of my lips, just to convey him that, thanks for his beautiful offer. Again he showed me the same finger, this time I got really ‘pissed off’ with him and thought of cutting his finger but another fellow peer came like an angel to bail me out.


Angel Peer: Aditya-san, he is asking, are you married? [Oh… what ‘nasty’ gesture]
Me: Oh… No…No… I am not married. [With a big smile and a much bigger sigh]
Bladder Reader: Hai… (Yes in Japanese), Good, good.
Angle Peer: This hand gesture is confusing for foreigners [And gave a smile as if he is glad with the achievement of ridiculously jumbling me]
Me: yes… it is but Daijob (That is OK)
Bladder Reader: Yes, confusing symbolJ. Same, ando… I am single wa [gave a basterdly innocent smile]

Looking at his smile, I thought he is trying to show his ‘gay’ instincts. To avoid any more advances or risks involved, I showed him my finger, of course small one and left the place for toilet. When I came back after ‘long relief program’, I took farthest possible seat from that ‘Bladder Reader’.

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[Continuation from part 2… ]
Disclaimer: This is just funny/ weird interpretation of Japanese words and no offenses to any Nihonjin or Gaijin. I am not damn responsible if you people think this is mini-Japanese dictionary and want to use it is research to earn Ph.D in Non-Sense:)

Otsukaresama deshita :
Literally, “you must be tired,” it is the equivalent of “thank you for your hard work.” It said at the end of the day when leaving work, when it means, “thank you for your fruitless hours of ridiculousness.” Also effectively used after: sex, a co-worker’s sojourn in the staff bathroom, and bad dates.

Genki :
“Lively, Energetic”. Used lovingly to describe rambunctious children or as an insult for extremely annoying and infantile adults. Also forms the basis of the greeting “o-genki desu ka?” (Literally: “Are you lively?” equiv. of “how are you?”), the response to which is usually “I’m fine, sankyou ando you.”Ohayo gozaimasu:
“Good morning.” Usually shortened to “mhsssssss,” so walking into a Japanese office in the morning sounds like walking into a den of snakes with speech impediments. [Bending is must… sometime ‘Morning’ will do…and ‘guten morgen’ if individual is hot German trainee chic]

Osaki ni:
“Excuse me for leaving the room,” one says this when leaving work before others. Translations also include, “excuse me for actually having a life,” so long suckers, I am not paid extra for over time NE

Ne:
The equivalent of the Canadian (also German?!) “Eh?” or the more formal “isn’t it?”; “ne” is an interjection seeking confirmation from the addressed party. Used as follows, “the sky is beautiful, ne?” or “Food at shokudo today tasted like SAMOSHI (Same Old shit), NE?”

Kireyi/kawai:
Any thing which is remotely living can be graded to this level of adjective. Literal meaning ‘pretty/cute’. And most of the living things fascinate Japanese so every moving thing is as good as ‘cute’ from their perspective.

Sugoye:
Literal meaning ‘great/amazing’. But can be used for anything which is remotely DIFFERENT. Play it always on safer side. “Sugoye, ne” If a nihonjin feels so then will get a definite “Hai” [yes] and virtually you will be awarded with Yes as for most of the Nihonjin everything is Sugoye including a weird looking food item.

Now time for Some Bad WOrds…
Shine! :
“Die!” can be softened to “doka shinde kudasai,” which means “for my sake, would you please go ahead and die?” Japanese people love to use this word all the time as a friendly greeting. So don’t get offended cause it doesn’t mean as it may sound.

Sukebe:
“Pervert” typically applied to Japanese men who are acting sketchy. In other words, “virtually most of the Japanese men virtually all the time”

Omae! :
“You!” When used among friends this is informal and friendly. When used among people who are not friends, it’s extremely rude.

Hentai :
“Perverse”… Usually applied to pornographic anime, which politely blurs out the genitals so viewers can enjoy graphic scenes of girl being brutally raped by tentacled aliens without seeing anything untoward.

Kyonyu suki? :
“Do you like big breasts?” Sounds very close to “can you ski?” which has probably led to many a hilarious and tragic misunderstanding in Nagano and Hokkaido.

 

Last and most important one:

Sayonara:
Meaning ‘bye bye’ or ‘come back soon’. Or can be used with little easiness as ‘Tata’ or ‘chau’ (as in german).

[Complete… the end]

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[Continuation from Part 1 ……….]
Disclaimer: This is just funny/ weird interpretation of Japanese words and no offenses to any Nihonjin or Gaijin. I am not damn responsible if you people think this is mini-Japanese dictionary and want to use it in your research to earn Ph.D in Non-Sense:)

Konbini:
“Convenience store.” A ubiquitous aspect of Japanese life, Konbinis are the place to go to for all of life’s essentials: food, snacks, drinks, supplies, and porn magazines.

Inaka:
“Countryside”, the rural districts of Japan, are determined and measured by the meters between two Konbinis. If you can walk 10 meters without passing a Lawson’s, Family Mart, AM-PM, 7-11, or Coco, you are officially in Inaka. Levels of inaka are also classified by the best fast food chain one has. As follows: Not Inaka (Wendy’s), Partially Inaka (McDonald’s), Pretty Inaka (KFC), Damned Inaka (MosBurger), Ridiculously Fucking Inaka (none). The Inaka is distinguished by its expanses of rice paddies, unpopulated schools, lack of young people, and extremely sexually frustrated single people. 

Kana:
Kana are the two phonetic syllabifies of Japanese language: Hiragana is used to write words and provide grammar references in sentences. Katakana is used to bastardize foreign loan words so that foreigners are forced to spend long unproductive hours to figure out which of their own words it is. For example, “hanbaagu [Hand bag],” “Cohi [coffee]”, “tobago [cigarette]” or “Pooru [Pool]”.

Kanji:
Kanjis are Han-Chinese characters, a system of writing borrowed from China. Kanji are some 2,000 ideographs that have both phonetic and semiotic components called “radicals” (such as water, wheat stalk, mouth, fire, person, etc) that reveal much about the culture that invented them. For instance, ethno linguistic specialists have determined that fauna of China when first Kanjis were invented consisted largely of window panes with spider legs and spiky boxes wearing hats. 

Oishii: (meaning: Delicious)
The word has an interesting history, as for centuries it served mere an abstract concept, as none of the raw or overcooked food in Japan could even remotely be described as “oishii.” Oishii thus could only be defined as something that didn’t exist.

Yatta! :
“Did it!” The Japanese equivalent of “woo hoo!”. Generally used upon completion of a task, particularly effective after completing daily routines in micro-bathroom. 

Nomikai/Enkai:“Work party”, a time for Japanese people to get together with co-workers and unwind over few drinks (note that in Japan, “a few drinks” is the equivalent of a kegger). Whatever happens in Enkai remains in Enkai. Japanese use this loophole to drunkenly telling off their boss, asking ridiculously personal questions. Perhaps, virtually identical to office Christmas parties in America, except no one get fired on Monday.

 

[To be Continued… see part3]

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Disclaimer: This is just funny/ weird interpretation of Japanese words and no offenses to any Nihonjin or Gaijin. I am not damn responsible if you people think this is mini-Japanese dictionary and want to use it is research to earn Ph.D in Non-Sense:) 


Nihon:
A semi-mythical island empire located at the eastern fringes of the world. Its name literally means “Origin of the Sun,” which is usually poeticized in English as, “The Land Where You Can Buy Used School girl Panties in Vending Machines.”

Nihongo:
The Japanese language. Not known to be related to any other language on earth, it has been controversially said to be connected to the Altaic language group that includes Turkish and Mongolian, but with some Polynesian influences. This controversy arises largely from the fact that no one has any idea what the hell the Japanese are saying.

Nihonjin:
A mythical race of people rumored to live in a mysterious archipelago in the sea, long since proven by scientists to have only existed in old wives’ tales to scare Chinese and Korean children. According to legend, the Nihonjin were a hard-working people who loved tea, had bland food and bad teeth, and were given to startling bursts of technological progress between long stretches of isolation and the occasional attempt at genocidal world domination.

Sushi:
Chemically, it is combination of rice and raw fish, which Nihonjin and other similar mammals love to eat. Healthy food for the day as bad smell which will find your mouth as abode will make you commit suicidal diet.

Seshimi:
Synonym of  ‘Weapons of Mass Destruction, especially for a Gaijin. Literal meaning ‘raw fish’ but logically can be contaminated with any exotic creature [octopus, squid, fish and HORSE]. It is must dish in all ‘Nomikai/enkai‘. After few rounds of Nihonshu and any Seshimi tastes Oishi

Kimono:
Japanese traditional wear for ladies… which can be classified as cuter and colorful version of space suits. You won’t see ladies wearing it on usual days but only on special occasions like festival, marriage or death… Highly popular as souvenirs among the Gaijins.

Yukatha:
Japanese traditional men dress which will be given in hotels as night dress. Though not a souvenir but not a bad choice as night dress, when you really want to sleep and okay to go out to buy cigarettes exposing your hairy legs.

Sumo:
A childish game, wherein two ‘gigantic creatures’ who are wearing costumes less than ‘swim suit calendar models’, without any particular reason, try to throw each other out of a ring. These human turned Dinos’ only job is to eat and eat more and fight three times a year.

Samurai:
Imperial warrior of semi-mythical islands and none of them remotely won’t look like Tom Cruise [The Last Samurai]. Wearing heavy and weird dresses and posing as national hero was their duty [No…No…My manager was not samurai].

Eigo:
The English language, which (according to Japanese people) a form of primitive communication method common amongst big-nosed, yellow-haired, vaguely simian creatures who inhabit Gaikoku, characterized by a series of loud grunts and strange ape-sounds like “L” and “th.” [Remember there is no ‘L’ and ‘th’ in Japanese script…]

Gaikoku:
As per Japanese, one of the only two countries in the world, the other being Japan. The residents of Gaikoku often insist that Gaikoku is not one nation but many, with a stunning array of cultures and history, but this is silly.

Gaijin:
Literally, “outsider,” it is the somewhat derogatory term used for “foreigners” in Japan. The preferred word is “gaikokujin,” which means “outlander.” In Japanese mind, gaijin are easily identified by their large noses, pale skin, blond hair and not to mention the brown people with hundreds of languages.

Shokudo:
“Office canteen” Originally developed to provide employees with healthy and cheap food; it’s currently used to break the spirits of employees, banned as torture by the Geneva Convention in 1949.

[Continuation in Part2…..]

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