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English… English is ‘window’ to the world” – my primary school English teacher used to tell. As I studied in Kannada medium, English used to be one of the complicated things which ruined 10% of my childhood  😦

English is quite difficult language, most of us agree. I know people, who can’t under stand English movies without sub titles. That is OK, I guess; English ‘IS’ difficult, even Japanese feel so…There are hundreds of reasons I can count, why Japanese can’t speak ‘understandable’ English. And I strongly believe that it is everything to do with their own language which is so complicated, and jumbled that poor guys won’t be able to understand any other languages. Japanese have three scripts to ‘happily’ confuse themselves, Hiragana (to write Japanese origin words), Katakana (to bastardize the foreign loan words) and Kanji (a symbolic script which looks like window panes with hats and spider legs).

More than that, I can count thousands reasons why, I can’t speak Japanese!!! As the part of conspiracy of deputation, even I was ‘forced’ to learn Japanese Language but after few weeks, I surrendered my ‘worthless effort of understanding’ to this language.

If someone decides to sell ‘impossible’ in a packet, then it can be named as ‘Japanese Tutorial’, as no one can read or write it and no one can understand what Japanese are speaking. So without any proper ‘verbal’ tool, I entered Japan. That was not a big deal; even Columbus didn’t know tribal languages when he was set on the voyage to unknown islands… right?On those cute little islands, I realized the importance of ‘noises’ coming out of mouth. As most of the time, we (me and Japanese) didn’t understand what we are talking… So I had to rely on my acting skills to convey my words.

Japanese don’t have ‘L’ (‘R’ is used) and ‘Th’ (‘S’ is used) in their Altaic Originated script, this ‘loop hole’ lead to confusing and hilarious conversations. ‘Thank you‘ becomes ‘Sankyu‘ and ‘Election‘ become ‘Erection‘… (You can easily say, Japan has erection once in 4 years… haa…haa… 🙂

Now let me introduce you to the art of bastardization of the foreign loan words. Japanese happily stole words from English, cooked them as per their need and derived a script also to write it. [I bet Japanese Linguistic specialists were quite jobless]. The only intention behind this Katakana script is to force the foreigners to spend hours on trying desperately to figure out which of their own words it is which is ‘aped’ miserably. Like Kohi (Coffee), Fanu (Fan), Tobago (Cigarette), Cheezu (Cheese), pooru (pool)… etc.

Sometimes i wondered why Japanese have to make something so simple like language as so complicated… one fine day, I bought a news paper (to check ‘Manga’) and my God!!! First of all news paper was in Japanese (which I can’t read anyway), more than that it will be written vertically (up-down) and ‘to add spice to adulterated food’ have to read it from right to left [Reverse way].I can’t use the phrase ‘out of blue’ when Japanese peers used to speak some funny English. But most weird one I ever heard/ read; when I was leaving Japan, I got a ‘Sayonara’ mail from one of my peer, which read: “Aditya-san, you must feel hard when go from Japan” [What the heck!!! Was he really meant, me to have a HARD while leaving Japan, Why…Is this kind of semi-ethnic ritual on this island before leaving the country…?]

By the time I left Japan, i really felt English is not necessarily window to the world 🙂

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[Continuation from part 2… ]
Disclaimer: This is just funny/ weird interpretation of Japanese words and no offenses to any Nihonjin or Gaijin. I am not damn responsible if you people think this is mini-Japanese dictionary and want to use it is research to earn Ph.D in Non-Sense:)

Otsukaresama deshita :
Literally, “you must be tired,” it is the equivalent of “thank you for your hard work.” It said at the end of the day when leaving work, when it means, “thank you for your fruitless hours of ridiculousness.” Also effectively used after: sex, a co-worker’s sojourn in the staff bathroom, and bad dates.

Genki :
“Lively, Energetic”. Used lovingly to describe rambunctious children or as an insult for extremely annoying and infantile adults. Also forms the basis of the greeting “o-genki desu ka?” (Literally: “Are you lively?” equiv. of “how are you?”), the response to which is usually “I’m fine, sankyou ando you.”Ohayo gozaimasu:
“Good morning.” Usually shortened to “mhsssssss,” so walking into a Japanese office in the morning sounds like walking into a den of snakes with speech impediments. [Bending is must… sometime ‘Morning’ will do…and ‘guten morgen’ if individual is hot German trainee chic]

Osaki ni:
“Excuse me for leaving the room,” one says this when leaving work before others. Translations also include, “excuse me for actually having a life,” so long suckers, I am not paid extra for over time NE

Ne:
The equivalent of the Canadian (also German?!) “Eh?” or the more formal “isn’t it?”; “ne” is an interjection seeking confirmation from the addressed party. Used as follows, “the sky is beautiful, ne?” or “Food at shokudo today tasted like SAMOSHI (Same Old shit), NE?”

Kireyi/kawai:
Any thing which is remotely living can be graded to this level of adjective. Literal meaning ‘pretty/cute’. And most of the living things fascinate Japanese so every moving thing is as good as ‘cute’ from their perspective.

Sugoye:
Literal meaning ‘great/amazing’. But can be used for anything which is remotely DIFFERENT. Play it always on safer side. “Sugoye, ne” If a nihonjin feels so then will get a definite “Hai” [yes] and virtually you will be awarded with Yes as for most of the Nihonjin everything is Sugoye including a weird looking food item.

Now time for Some Bad WOrds…
Shine! :
“Die!” can be softened to “doka shinde kudasai,” which means “for my sake, would you please go ahead and die?” Japanese people love to use this word all the time as a friendly greeting. So don’t get offended cause it doesn’t mean as it may sound.

Sukebe:
“Pervert” typically applied to Japanese men who are acting sketchy. In other words, “virtually most of the Japanese men virtually all the time”

Omae! :
“You!” When used among friends this is informal and friendly. When used among people who are not friends, it’s extremely rude.

Hentai :
“Perverse”… Usually applied to pornographic anime, which politely blurs out the genitals so viewers can enjoy graphic scenes of girl being brutally raped by tentacled aliens without seeing anything untoward.

Kyonyu suki? :
“Do you like big breasts?” Sounds very close to “can you ski?” which has probably led to many a hilarious and tragic misunderstanding in Nagano and Hokkaido.

 

Last and most important one:

Sayonara:
Meaning ‘bye bye’ or ‘come back soon’. Or can be used with little easiness as ‘Tata’ or ‘chau’ (as in german).

[Complete… the end]

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[Continuation from Part 1 ……….]
Disclaimer: This is just funny/ weird interpretation of Japanese words and no offenses to any Nihonjin or Gaijin. I am not damn responsible if you people think this is mini-Japanese dictionary and want to use it in your research to earn Ph.D in Non-Sense:)

Konbini:
“Convenience store.” A ubiquitous aspect of Japanese life, Konbinis are the place to go to for all of life’s essentials: food, snacks, drinks, supplies, and porn magazines.

Inaka:
“Countryside”, the rural districts of Japan, are determined and measured by the meters between two Konbinis. If you can walk 10 meters without passing a Lawson’s, Family Mart, AM-PM, 7-11, or Coco, you are officially in Inaka. Levels of inaka are also classified by the best fast food chain one has. As follows: Not Inaka (Wendy’s), Partially Inaka (McDonald’s), Pretty Inaka (KFC), Damned Inaka (MosBurger), Ridiculously Fucking Inaka (none). The Inaka is distinguished by its expanses of rice paddies, unpopulated schools, lack of young people, and extremely sexually frustrated single people. 

Kana:
Kana are the two phonetic syllabifies of Japanese language: Hiragana is used to write words and provide grammar references in sentences. Katakana is used to bastardize foreign loan words so that foreigners are forced to spend long unproductive hours to figure out which of their own words it is. For example, “hanbaagu [Hand bag],” “Cohi [coffee]”, “tobago [cigarette]” or “Pooru [Pool]”.

Kanji:
Kanjis are Han-Chinese characters, a system of writing borrowed from China. Kanji are some 2,000 ideographs that have both phonetic and semiotic components called “radicals” (such as water, wheat stalk, mouth, fire, person, etc) that reveal much about the culture that invented them. For instance, ethno linguistic specialists have determined that fauna of China when first Kanjis were invented consisted largely of window panes with spider legs and spiky boxes wearing hats. 

Oishii: (meaning: Delicious)
The word has an interesting history, as for centuries it served mere an abstract concept, as none of the raw or overcooked food in Japan could even remotely be described as “oishii.” Oishii thus could only be defined as something that didn’t exist.

Yatta! :
“Did it!” The Japanese equivalent of “woo hoo!”. Generally used upon completion of a task, particularly effective after completing daily routines in micro-bathroom. 

Nomikai/Enkai:“Work party”, a time for Japanese people to get together with co-workers and unwind over few drinks (note that in Japan, “a few drinks” is the equivalent of a kegger). Whatever happens in Enkai remains in Enkai. Japanese use this loophole to drunkenly telling off their boss, asking ridiculously personal questions. Perhaps, virtually identical to office Christmas parties in America, except no one get fired on Monday.

 

[To be Continued… see part3]

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Disclaimer: This is just funny/ weird interpretation of Japanese words and no offenses to any Nihonjin or Gaijin. I am not damn responsible if you people think this is mini-Japanese dictionary and want to use it is research to earn Ph.D in Non-Sense:) 


Nihon:
A semi-mythical island empire located at the eastern fringes of the world. Its name literally means “Origin of the Sun,” which is usually poeticized in English as, “The Land Where You Can Buy Used School girl Panties in Vending Machines.”

Nihongo:
The Japanese language. Not known to be related to any other language on earth, it has been controversially said to be connected to the Altaic language group that includes Turkish and Mongolian, but with some Polynesian influences. This controversy arises largely from the fact that no one has any idea what the hell the Japanese are saying.

Nihonjin:
A mythical race of people rumored to live in a mysterious archipelago in the sea, long since proven by scientists to have only existed in old wives’ tales to scare Chinese and Korean children. According to legend, the Nihonjin were a hard-working people who loved tea, had bland food and bad teeth, and were given to startling bursts of technological progress between long stretches of isolation and the occasional attempt at genocidal world domination.

Sushi:
Chemically, it is combination of rice and raw fish, which Nihonjin and other similar mammals love to eat. Healthy food for the day as bad smell which will find your mouth as abode will make you commit suicidal diet.

Seshimi:
Synonym of  ‘Weapons of Mass Destruction, especially for a Gaijin. Literal meaning ‘raw fish’ but logically can be contaminated with any exotic creature [octopus, squid, fish and HORSE]. It is must dish in all ‘Nomikai/enkai‘. After few rounds of Nihonshu and any Seshimi tastes Oishi

Kimono:
Japanese traditional wear for ladies… which can be classified as cuter and colorful version of space suits. You won’t see ladies wearing it on usual days but only on special occasions like festival, marriage or death… Highly popular as souvenirs among the Gaijins.

Yukatha:
Japanese traditional men dress which will be given in hotels as night dress. Though not a souvenir but not a bad choice as night dress, when you really want to sleep and okay to go out to buy cigarettes exposing your hairy legs.

Sumo:
A childish game, wherein two ‘gigantic creatures’ who are wearing costumes less than ‘swim suit calendar models’, without any particular reason, try to throw each other out of a ring. These human turned Dinos’ only job is to eat and eat more and fight three times a year.

Samurai:
Imperial warrior of semi-mythical islands and none of them remotely won’t look like Tom Cruise [The Last Samurai]. Wearing heavy and weird dresses and posing as national hero was their duty [No…No…My manager was not samurai].

Eigo:
The English language, which (according to Japanese people) a form of primitive communication method common amongst big-nosed, yellow-haired, vaguely simian creatures who inhabit Gaikoku, characterized by a series of loud grunts and strange ape-sounds like “L” and “th.” [Remember there is no ‘L’ and ‘th’ in Japanese script…]

Gaikoku:
As per Japanese, one of the only two countries in the world, the other being Japan. The residents of Gaikoku often insist that Gaikoku is not one nation but many, with a stunning array of cultures and history, but this is silly.

Gaijin:
Literally, “outsider,” it is the somewhat derogatory term used for “foreigners” in Japan. The preferred word is “gaikokujin,” which means “outlander.” In Japanese mind, gaijin are easily identified by their large noses, pale skin, blond hair and not to mention the brown people with hundreds of languages.

Shokudo:
“Office canteen” Originally developed to provide employees with healthy and cheap food; it’s currently used to break the spirits of employees, banned as torture by the Geneva Convention in 1949.

[Continuation in Part2…..]

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